October 2, 2015

Thoughts: Should I Start Thinking About Marriage?

Wouldn't it be beautiful? The thought of myself walking down the steps of my home with long winding train trailed behind me. The thought of having saturated red ink tipping my fingers and the thought of crying myself controllably as I enter the next phase of my life.

It's all a dream. And indeed a beautiful one, for everyone I must add.

Here I am gazing straight out the window of this 7 hour journey flight and sinking deep into my thoughts. It's the fluffy clouds I guess. It makes you think, and ponder and imagine. It makes you realise of things that you might overlook this past few years, or forgotten about for an eternity.

I'm at the stage where all my peers (well mostly) are at the brink of expecting their 2nd child on the way. And here I am, traveling the world with the pair of wings God gifted me with. Like, when will it be my turn? When will I be the queen of the day? When will I look forward to the day when I wake up and learn that my priority in life, is somewhat not mine alone anymore?

As I clicked next on the iPod and it rolls into a shuffle of songs, leading me to this particular tune which sings, "What do you get when you fall in love? A guy with a pin, to burst your bubble. That's what you get for all your troubles... I'll never fall in love again.." Well I have to say, I'm running out of bubbles to be burst.

It's like the song and the iPod knew what my mind was currently thinking about and it's forcing me to sink deeper into these deathly thoughts. Should I start thinking about marriage now? A serious question I'm asking myself and still couldn't find the answer. But why is it so hard to find the answer? For starters maybe because you're happy being in your little cocoon knowing you yourself who has the power to break yourself. Not anyone or anything else. Or maybe it's because the past wounds have been so frequent and hurtfully back-to-back that they no longer can permanently heal?


And as I stare deeper into the vast dark blue sky, I noticed a line of tangerine horizontal rays ascends its way up above. The sky was totally dark one minute, and here's the sun making its way above ensuring light enters every nook of the clouds. That's when I thought, if the darkest of nights can turn itself into the brightest of days, then I'm sure my 'night' will actually fade and let the 'day' makes its way into my life once again. 

The question is now, should I start thinking about marriage? 

I'm scared.

Post written 40000ft above sea level enroute to Hokkaido, Japan, 2nd October 2015.
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yah faizul said...

You are an amazing women Shea, beautiful inside and out. Always have the positive vibes that I admire eventhough you are facing difficulties at the same time.

I believed that your prince is on his way. But he needs to mold his heart to be as beautiful as yours to match with you. When he finally finds you, your marriage plan will fall to its place and everything will be at ease.

Just hang in there and have faith in Allah ☺
Anyway, looking forward to see your dress on your wedding day! 😄

Love you, xoxo

amnas! said...

I know how it feels looking at some of my friends moving on to another phase of their lives. Even though marriage is something we would want to satisfy our wants and needs, we also need to remind ourselves that is an 'ibadah. Many deeds can be done with a spouse or within a familial institution that a single person might not have. But that doesn't mean that he/she is less worthy, it just means that maybe it is not OUR form of 'ibadah just YET. InshaaAllah, if it our rezeki, it will be no matter what. If it is not, there are numerous other forms of rezeki that we didn't realize.

Have faith, Kak Shea. I'm sure you're a beautiful person both inside and out and I hope that you'll get your day someday :)

nur 'atikah jamsuri said...

Awwww kak shea... 😊😊

MizaFirzana said...

Hello there Shea. I had the same thoughts in my mind too! :)

Sizzling Suzai said...

its not bout should we start to think or not but its bout fate that Allah already planned for us..............its just that the time is not coming yet for us.....huhu huhu huhu

idman keynan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Prima Dita said...

Hey Shea,

Perhaps you remember me, or maybe not :))
I read this post one year ago as you posted it close to my birthday, and I shared it on Facebook. I re-read it again this morning because after one year, I still don't see any husband candidate come closer. Haha. My life is developing in many ways I can't imagine but this 'little' thing kinda bothered me, probably because most of my friends are getting married or gave birth to second child, just like you.
I tried to be grateful for everything but I couldn't help it to not thinking if I am not good enough for someone.
That's why I write this post: A Gloomy Birthday In the post, you'll find a Qur'an verse that hopefully enlightening your mind.
And as many people said, you are such an amazing person. You will find someone amazing to accompany you. Have a great day!